Here is 112...

This is my 112th post to this blog. Hard to believe I have had this much to say.

**** "Paint It Black" by the Rolling Stones ****

I am already bored with staying home all the time. I have applied for more than a few jobs, only one of them is something that I am very excited about. It's a job working with both dogs and homeless kids... how does it get any better than that? They haven't called or written back, though. So frustrating.

**** "Miss Me Blind" by Culture Club ****

I am steadily working my way through my three page, single spaced "to do" list. I imagine I am almost 25-30% done with everything. We finally chose the photos for the wedding album. It was a complicated process that included at least three secret ballots, and not so much arguing as serious discussions of the merit of lighting in certain shots, choosing pictures of inanimate objects vs. people, etc. Hard choices. We had to narrow it down to 100 from over 450 really good shots. Well, when everything was said and done we couldn't get it below 104, but that's close enough. They should have a layout to us in about a month or so. I can't really blame them if it takes longer than that... after all, it took us 5 months just to send them the list.

**** "Teardrop" by Massive Attack ****

I can't listen to this song without thinking of the show "House, MD". God, that is a really good show. The main actor is British, but he does a spot-on American accent. To the point that I was surprised to hear him speak in an interview. Brilliant!

It makes me think of an idea I was kicking around the other day. You know how actors make a business of choosing to be someone else? What if we all did that? What if we could change any aspect of ourselves at any time? Why do I speak with an American accent? "Duh, because you grew up in America." Yeah, I also grew up in the South, but I can lose that accent at will... and very often do. So, why do I not simply choose a different accent? When I have been watching British shows or Irish shows, or whatever, I often find myself imitating their accents without thinking of it. I have seen people be one person when they are with one group of people, and a different one with others. I am not sure if the advantages of this strategy outweigh the risks. Maybe you would wake up one day and not know who you were. Nonetheless, perhaps if I had been better able to "fake" a happy, cheerful, less introverted personality, I would not have left my last job. How much of how we live our lives is because of what we choose to put out there? How much would change if we put out something different?

**** "83" by John Mayer ****

It's funny the way things get interpreted. I don't like the taste of beer. So, when we went out with a bunch of Franz's friends from a previous job to some bar before a party, I ordered a Cosmopolitan. It didn't occur to me that I would be perceived as any different from anyone else at the table, even though I was the only one drinking something other than beer. It's all alcohol as far as I'm concerned. One of the girls at the table, though, said the sweetest thing. She said, "What is that?" I said, "Oh, it's a Cosmopolitan... it's a vodka drink." She said, "Oh, that's so classy. I wish I could be more like that!" I thought to myself, "Me? Classy?? I don't feel classy... I feel normal." I almost said, "Well, we could get you one, too." The unspoken end of that sentence being "... and then you would seem classy, too." I decided not to say it, I didn't want to lessen or cheapen her perception of me. I would have essentially been telling her that "classiness" is not what you drink, it's how you are. I couldn't take a chance on hurting a person's feelings like that. She was younger than me... and to be honest, it was nice to be looked up to for a moment. I have often thought of that moment... I was sitting there feeling out of place and significantly older than the rest of group, a little frumpy and like I had nothing interesting to say. And yet, at least one person thought I was classy. Weird, huh? How different the world is from how you perceive it. Maybe that is all depression is... just a perception.

**** "Come Together" by The Beatles ****

Well, I need to get moving... do something useful with my day. I feel like I am coming down with a cold, and I don't really feel like doing a damn thing. I can't think of the last time I took a shower. The days all just run together into a meaningless blur. I need to take one soon, though. I am pretty sure these jeans could stand up by themselves right now. Or at least do a passable imitation of me lounging on the couch, typing my blog. Plus, I don't like the way I smell right now.... clean would be better.

Classy indeed. (sigh)

**** "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang ****

Hope everyone out there is happy and healthy!

Sherry

A Moment in the Sun...

This phrase has been on my mind a great deal today. Not only because we have had a few sunny days in a row, but also because you can think of it in terms of a lifetime. Look back on your life and ask yourself, "What were my moments in the sun?" I know a few of the answers for myself. Winning the PRIDE award for writing. Graduating high school, then graduating college- both times. Seeing my nephew be born (well, okay, walking into the room about 45 seconds after he was born- if only I hadn't stopped to wash my hands!! Sometimes being anal retentive can be a bad thing.). Adopting Buddy. Just about every day I have had with Franz... especially our wedding day. Those were my moments in the sun.

But what about other people? What are their moments like? I was made to think about this again by an HBO documentary I watched called "Pandemic: Facing AIDS- India (2003)". The statistics, like everything that has to do with AIDS, are horrible. India has more HIV infected people than anywhere else in the world, except for South Africa. They say that if the rate of infection stays the same, in three years (that is now, 2006) India alone will have 37 million people living with the disease. The numbers aren't in yet, but there are multiple contributing factors that indicate this projection will probably be close to coming true. The inequality between women and men in India is staggering, and is a major factor in the spread of the disease. Married men have no obligation to be "faithful" to their wives. They, additionally, have no obligation to tell their wives if they *do* contract the disease. It is believed that if an infected man has sex with a virgin, he will be healed of the disease. Consequently, thousands of young women are being sold into the sex trade by their families, whose own economic interests have been destroyed by someone else in the family having HIV/AIDS. Another problem is that a married woman is seen as less than a woman if she does not have a child, so women who are married to an HIV infected man will (with full knowledge of his HIV status) continue to have sex with their husbands in the effort to get pregnant.

Take the husband and wife in the documentary. He is a truck driver, which means he is a member of a profession that is largely responsible for spreading the disease from the larger cities to even the smallest of villages. As in Africa, the spread of HIV/AIDS can be mapped out along all the major routes that delivery drivers frequent. Truck drivers have sex with prostitutes in any city or town they go through, she has sex with the next truck driver, and so on. A prostitute can expect to make 50 rupees if she will have sex with a man with a condom. She can make 100 to go without. And, a prostitute is not in the position to dictate whether one is worn or not. The husbands's reason for having sex with prostitutes, even after he was married, and even when he knew he was already infected, "That's what the sexual urge is-- it's an uncontrollable situation." He said that five minutes of sexual pleasure were more important than AIDS, that he used those minutes to stop thinking about it, if only for a brief time.

When they married, they were together for a brief time before he came down with fever, diarrhea, etc. Then he was diagnosed. Unusually, he told his wife. Even more unusually, he arranged for her to be tested. She was negative. They didn't have sex for over a year. Then she decided that she wanted a child, "an heir". He urged her to adopt, she wanted a child that was "theirs". They tried a test tube baby, but it didn't take. Finally, they began having sex again in an effort to get her pregnant with their own child- because, remember now, a woman isn't complete without being a mother. Finally, she got pregnant. When she went to get the pregnancy test, she also had a repeat HIV test. This time she was positive. So, their whole effort became "how can we make sure the child will be born negative?" She took a drug that decreased her chances by half of transmitting the disease to the baby.

Nine months later, she gave birth to a daughter, but she had to have a C-section in order to give birth. Because the baby could contract the disease coming down the birth canal. So, here she is, HIV + and being cut open in a makeshift OR in a community hospital in India. They converted the room just specifically for her. Other than her C-section, they don't do surgery there. And her reasons for having a child? "My mother-in-law wants grandchildren. Even if we die, our children will be here."

And what about the child, a baby girl? Luckily, she was born negative. The drugs worked. But now, both her parents are infected. What will happen to her when they die? Will she be sold into the sex trade, and contract the disease her parents tried to protect her from? Or will she simply be an orphan in a country that can't even afford to treat its sickest people.

And how did the story end? Both parents still ""healthy", with CD4 counts over 200 (the threshold between just having HIV and having full blown AIDS). And a beautiful little toddler crawling around them in their hut.

And, this must be their moment in the sun. They will live together for however long it will take before one or both of the parents gets sick, and struggle to enjoy every day- knowing that it will all end someday, probably someday soon. One parent will die, then the other... and no one can know what will become of the child. Someday, perhaps she will look back on these years with her family as the best days of her life. Her single bright shining moment in the sun.

I can't judge them. My gut instinct is to not be able to decide who I hate more... the husband for lying and cheating on his wife, essentially murdering her by degrees? Or the wife who decided she wanted a baby more than she wanted to live or be healthy? Or the mother-in-law that rode them so hard, until the wife gave in and got pregnant? Or the society that so undervalues human life, especially female human life, to such an extent that its youth are exploited in the worst ways- made into whores whose lives are worth no more than an extra 50 rupees? It's an impossible decision.

It's also one that can't be made. I haven't walked in their shoes, grown up in their society. I can't contemplate the thought of being taken from this life by a philandering husband/boyfriend/significant other without being outraged. "How dare he presume to decide for me when I should die?!?!" And this woman, it was like she believed that her life had no value, she wasn't angry at all. It was more like, "Eh, what are you going to do, you know?" Horrifying and sad... and it is just another day in India.

How can we know these things? These things we know from the t.v., the papers, the textbooks we read in school, and not *feel* anything? How can we sit back and say, "By 2010, in the infection rate stays constant, over 100 million people will be infected." and not be horrified to the point of desperation? I guess the husband was right, without knowing it. Maybe it is an "uncontrollable situation".

One thing is for sure, it's unbearable, and yet we live on each day here as if it doesn't effect us. Why can we do this?

Maybe we are spending too much time looking for our own moments in the sun, and not enough wondering what it will be for others.

Sherry

**** Can't you hear me knockin' ? ****

**** Rolling Stones spinning on my hard drive... the night can't be all bad. ****

So, husband says I should write. He says he thinks I am happier when I write.

Says he, "I wish you would write more."

Says me, "You just want me to write more porn."

Says he, "Ummm... excuse me, it's *erotica*!!"

Says me, "Doesn't matter, I don't write it when I am getting some on a regular basis. It's only an outlet for when I'm not."

Thinking, then says he, "Well, maybe you could write something else. I think you are happier when you are writing and being creative."

Says me, "I just can't think of anything I want to say."

And it's still true. That's why nothing has been on this blog in, well, forever in Internet time. What can I say about the world that everyone who listens to NPR doesn't already know? Bush sucks, Cheney is a gun toting lunatic and they both have far more power than they should. And the press has turned into entertainment, and entertainment has turned into the only source of well researched truth.. well, sometimes, at least.

I have to say, though, at least shows like "Entertainment Tonight" are honest. They are selling a product called "New, Hot, and Buy Me" and they make no apologies for it. At least they aren't calling in "fair and balanced".

**** "Overkill" by Men at Work, another reason to keep going. :) ****

I am out of work again. I caught a library job briefly, but had no concept of how truly boring it would be. I thought, "Surrounded by books... what could go wrong??" Well, unfortunately, I never had time to get a bunch of the books, I saw them as they were walking out the door. And the people I work with tended to not actually READ them. My supervisor read John Grisham, though. I didn't have the heart to tell her that doesn't count. (Because he sucks.) (Yeah, that's right, I said it!!)

One of my favorite couples just announced their upcoming wedding using one of the most original invitation ideas I think I have ever seen. I was a strip of photos, the kind that look like they were taken in a photo booth, and in each one they were holding up a sign that said something about the wedding... like the date, where it will be, etc. They are both such beautiful people, to look at the pictures of them smiling is almost heartbreakingly beautiful. I am so happy to see C happy. I remember the days when his blogs weren't so happy, and now his posts are shorter and further in between. As far as I'm concerned, that is a good thing... it means he is out living life with his lady love instead of being cooped up with a computer and being introspective.

I guess that is another reason I haven't posted in so long... there has been too damn much going on. Let's see, here is the brief run down from last September to now...

* Got married to the love of my life- check.
* Completed a dream honeymoon/ trip to a place I have always wanted to go, Fiji - check.
* Had to call or write everyone I have ever done business with or known and update them to my new name - check.
* Moved out of the condo and into the new/old house - check. (I feel so lucky to live here that I have to pinch myself every once in a while.)
* Had to call or write everyone I have ever done business with or known and update them to my new address - check.
* Had to get house stuff unpacked and organized, well I can't say "check" for that one... I don't think it will ever be done.
* Had to open gifts and send out "thank you" cards... check, but this took WAY too long to get done. :(
* Got the new job and left the job- check.
* Forced my very patient husband to watch all five seasons of "Angel" with me - check.
* I am working on recording all the episodes of "Good Eats" for said husband - check, well, half check. There are 9 seasons of Good Eats with about 22 episodes in each season... it's going to take a while.

Hope I'm not forgetting anything.

**** "The Dream Police" by Cheap Trick... just for the giggle factor. ****

I have a 3 page "to do" list that I am quietly working my way through. Today was try to clean up the white carpet around Buddy's doggie bed where his muddy little paws have hung off and messed everything up. I worked on it for 2.5 hours, but it just mostly looks like I pushed around the dirt. We got a rug to cover up the carpet from here on out.

**** "Never Gonna' Give You Up" by Barry White. Am I the only one who views his voice as just a little "indecent"? But, in a good way. :) ****

I guess the biggest thing that has happened lately is that Franz found a P2P site for Apple that you can use to download songs, movies, etc. I have been a downloading demon, and I have gotten a song list of almost 500 songs that I think are cool, or funny, or kitschy. Songs I used to love in the 80's, things I used to roller skate to as a girl, songs I loved in high school, college, etc. That's alot of what you will see in my **** song lists **** on my posts from here on out. Maybe you will run across something you used to love and just forgot about.... that has happened to me a lot lately. It's a little rush when you find something you thought you lost. In my case, alot of it has turned out to be music.

**** "Breaking The Girl" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. ****

The depression has gotten worse in recent months even though, paradoxically, I am happier with the course of my life than I have ever been. I finally decided to increase the Wellbutrin dosage to double what I was taking. My doc said I was taking less than most people already, so now I am coming up to what is supposedly a "standard" dosage of the medicine. We shall see. I have noticed much more violent mood swings when I drink alcohol... uncontrollable crying and despair exactly two days after having a drink. Takes me a few days to recover from that, so it is easier to just not drink. It's not worth the temporary social lubrication and good time feelings you get the night you have the drinks. It's too bad, too... I was really starting to get a taste for different vodkas. :(

I also quit caffeine again. Which is funny, because we went out tonight and I had some for the first time since Jan 1st. I just couldn't bear to drink Sierra Mist. I am paying for it now, though. It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. Wonder what will happen in two days?

**** "Vertigo" by U2... I still love the lads from Ireland. I can overlook the "uno, dos, tres, catorce" if you can. :) ****

Speaking of, "It's everything I wish I didn't know"... job hunting has lost all sense of sport for me. There is nothing out there I want. And Oregon is very different from Florida when it comes to applying for jobs. You apply, and if you are lucky you might hear something back in a month or two. If you aren't, you get a card that says, "We got your app and we put it on file." Translation, "You will never hear anything else from us again." At this point, I have held so many different jobs- I think I am right around 34 or 35 right now- that I am hopelessly jaded and can tell you exactly why I will end up quitting the job just from the ad. Let me give you an example, a medical office that describes their working environment as being "like a family" means that people will want to get inappropriately close to you very quickly, the office as a whole is dysfunctional and at least one person there will be borderline psychotic. In the same way families don't talk about the "black sheep", that is how this person will be regarded by other staff members. And, God help you if you pose a question about or offer a reason for said person's mental problems, like "So, how long has she been borderline?" or "Do you suppose she was abused as a child?" That will get you bounced in a heartbeat. They lull you in with the "We talk about *everything* in this office... tell us your whole life story..." and close you out with the "how can you be so insensitive?" I don't think that is insensitive. I think walking up to the person and saying it would be insensitive. And I would never do that. Unless I was looking to get fired. :)
(Which for the record has happened only 3 times in my history. 3 out of 35 can't be bad, right?)

**** "Here Comes the Rain Again" by the Eurythmics. God, can you get a purer voice than Annie Lennox? ****

So, you need another example? How about an ad that says they are looking for a "team player" who is a "self starter". That means you will have little to no supervision and even less training, and you will be expected to read your most-of-the-time- absent bosses' mind about what you should be doing. And if you guess wrong, and don't do what you were supposed to do, you are going to be in BIG trouble. And "team player" means you take the hits for whatever your boss screws up, as well as your coworkers attitude that "since you are the new person we are going to try to shove off as much work on you as possible so we don't have to do it".

See why I don't want to be back out there?

**** "Sunshine In A Bag" by Gorillaz. Hee hee... I'm hip. ****

Oh, and by the way, NEVER EVER work in a medical office where there is only one male doctor and all female office workers. That is the equivalent of a work-world harem and it gets ugly QUICK.

**** "Nara" by E.S. Posthumus... beautiful piece, very calming, yet at the same time feels like you are taking a journey. ****

That last song is a side effect of trying to find a song from an HBO commercial from a few years ago. I have learned about just about every OTHER song ever played in an HBO commercial, but not the one I want. Pisses me off. I can find damn near anything on the 'net, but I can't find the name of this song. Grrrrr Arrrrgh....

**** "Sexy MF" by Prince. Well, "artist formerly known as" blah, blah, blah... I know the man is talented, but, umm... pretentious much? Get over yourself, my tiny friend. You're Prince. ****

Speaking of, what the hell is going on with Michael Jackson? Oh right, I forgot, I don't care. Idiot.

Do you supposed his nose is still attached? (Now, see, that was just insensitive.)

Do you suppose his kids *haven't* been molested yet? (That was probably worse.)

**** "Careless Whisper" by Wham! Ahhh, the stuff 14 year old female fantasies are made of.... and apparently male ones, too. ****

I had some knock down, drag out arguments with male friends in high school about good old George's sexual orientation. I discovered the quickest way to end that argument was "You are just jealous." He would invariably say, "Why would I be jealous of a fag?" (It's ugly word, but it was always the one used.) I would say, "Because of 'what if'." He would look puzzled and say, "What if what?" I would say, "What if you are wrong and he is straight? That would mean he is getting more women in this short stretch of his life than it is likely that you EVER will get. And most men can't stand the idea of someone else being that blessed with sexual partners. You NEED him to be gay because you can't stand the 'what if'. " That would usually get a snort, and sometimes a "You are crazy" or a "You are a weird chick." People don't like it when you use psychology on them. To that I say, "Don't try to mess with my boy if you don't want me traipsing around inside your brain pan."

Well, I guess I should get going. I won't make any promises about how often I will post. We all know I wouldn't keep them if I didn't have anything to say. I hope everyone out there is happy and healthy. See you soon-ish!!

Sherry

P.S.- If you don't know who Dane Cook is, you are missing out on the funny, big time. Check him out.

P.P.S.- **** "No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones. ****