Changing and trying...

Taking a page from a Facebook friend's playbook- I'm going to try to write some notes sometimes when my day, or my brain, is just too full. Not a full fledged post... sometimes they might be short. Knowing me, probably not, but still.

I spent about 4 hours driving today, and I had a lot of time to think. It seems like everything since I moved here has been about changing and trying. Slowly toning down the junk food and trying to get better about eating the good food. Failing at that and then trying again.

Changing my life completely with a new business and trying to get that kite off the ground. Watching it crash and crash, then pick up and fly for a bit. Knowing that I still have so much more to learn. Knowing that for every two steps forward, I will take at least one back. That's pure hell for an overachiever, by the way. In case you were wondering.

Getting to know all new people in a new town and trying to deal with frustration and reminding myself it's probably not personal when people ignore me, shine me on or still think of me as the new girl... or even worse, lie to me. It's easier to find out about those when you are in a small town. Harder to take, too. You think you have a friend... well, that's what you get for thinking, dummy.

The people who act like they want to be a friend, until they get what they want out of me. Then disappear until they want something again. Dammit, I think I hate those the most... because I know I will still say "yes" the next time because I want to be nice and I want so much to be accepted. I wish that I would have been right when I thought I would leave my awkward "not-one-of-the-cool-kids" phase behind when I left high school.

Trying so hard to find a niche and fit in nicely and unobtrusively. Trying not to compete with people who seem to have no qualms about competing with me. It's harder to fight when you are trying not to hurt the other person... especially when they don't care if they hurt you. Still not sure how to manage that problem. It's going to require one hell of a lot of thought.

And the double edged sword of being a landlord for the first time- all while becoming a renter again for the first time in years. That's a mindfu*k if there ever was one.

Then there is the enviable position of trying to deal with the people who think I am "rich" because I own a business in Manzanita while I am busy trying to save money every way I possibly can because I now know just how bad the winters can get. Cut off the cable... sure! That's $90.00 a month and less rot on my brain. And maybe, just maybe, I will be able to afford a gym membership someday soon. Health insurance? Well, let's not get crazy. You can't have everything after all... where would you put it?

The good thing about that is that I will have more time for reading all the books I have never heard of when customers ask me about them. I know people must think I am a fraud when they ask me if I have ever read such and such book and I haven't. And maybe I am. I know that I should know more than I do. But how does one learn this when you never had money to buy books before?? Yes, of course, I've always patronized libraries like a fiend. But, here is the dirty secret... I am also losing my memory. I honestly don't remember names and titles, even for books I read and loved.

Did I mention I am a little terrified about losing my memories and/or my mind? All those antidepressants and painkillers from my earlier years. I was so stupid to trust doctors. And now I am paying the price with my brain. What is a smart girl without her memories? Better lose weight fast and try to be pretty again. ;)

Knowing just a little bit too late when I have made a political mistake. I never was very good at setting a boundary without pushing too hard. I know I have probably alienated people at some point by pushing back when I felt like we were being treated unfairly. And that is a big mistake to make here. Seems like everything here is on a hair trigger and if I make one wrong step I could ruin my business, and whatever my laughable "standing" in the community might be.

So, what do I do? Go back to PDX and try to work for someone else again? Launch another business? That's crap. I *do* like it here. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard to make a dollar, not piss people off and fit in. I guess the only answer is to keep changing and trying.

I'm 36, though... there has to be a time to just be me- to not have to change so much any more. And it's hard to keep trying... it gets harder all the time. But, what choice do I have? If all that I am is not good enough, what choice do I have? Changing and trying... I'm working on it.