Mr. Buddlesworth...

Franz has come up with a new name for Buddy. He has been christened Mr. Buddlesworth. He answers to it now like it has been his name all along. He is so funny.

So now Buddy has about 8 or 9 names that he answers to. They are as follows:

Buddy
Bud-Bud
Buddy McB
Mouthy
Little Mouth
Little Man
Baby Boy (or My Boy)
Big Furball
Buddy Andrews (when he is in trouble)
Mr. Buddlesworth

Geez... I just counted and that is 11. Poor dog. He is probably going to end up with canine MPD or something.

Well, there isn't much more to write. I did the CAT scan the other day. I had a bit of a freak out at the beginning, but made it through it in one piece. Franz and I went around looking at engagement rings/wedding sets/wedding bands on Saturday. It was nice, but I had a bit of a freak out over that as well. Why is it that even when you are head over heels in love with someone that an engagement ring on your finger can still feel like a noose around your neck? I have such an incredible distrust of marriage. I love Franz, and I trust him with everything I am... but I am still afraid of marriage. Sick, huh? Poor Franz... I hate jerking him around. How do men live with sentences like, "I love you and I want to marry you, but I am afraid to be married"? I don't know how it will go, but Franz is strong. I hope he is strong enough to take it.

I don't even know what I am afraid of. Mentally, I know he is the one. There is no question about it. I have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about him. Mentally, I know that marriage is the next step. That it is inevitable. I know that I wouldn't feel right about leaving the country without being his wife. And I know without question that if we were never married that I would choose to live with him until my dying day... no matter where he went.

But, emotionally, I feel trapped. I feel like a little animal caught in a cage with its heart beating too fast and its breathing laboring at a breakneck speed. There's no contingency. There is no running away if things get bad. There would only be lawyers, and courts, and acrimony... not to be confused with alimony. Geez... there is a thought. Duking it out with your most loved and cherished one at the law firm of "That's Mine and This Is Yours." How ugly. How unseemly. How horrible.

I couldn't bear that. Of course, I have no reason to believe that a marriage might work. For the simple fact that no relationship I have ever had in the past has worked out. If it had, then I would not be with Franz now. Simple as that. On a long enough time line, I am afraid of what will happen.

But, of course, you can't just live your life in fear. That's why I will marry him. Because the possibilities are worth more than the fear.

I hope.

Love to all,

Sherry

The Latest....

I have been getting complaints because I haven’t blogged for so long. Specifically that there is at least one person out there suffering from withdrawal over my lack of blogginess. I guess there are a few reasons for this general decline in my writing:

1) I am feeling stifled. I know that there are a lot more people reading my blog than there were before. Some of them are work people, so I can’t bitch about work. Some of them are family people, so I can’t bitch about family. For all I know, some of them might be NZIS… so I certainly can’t bitch about the immigration process to NZ. (Of course, that wouldn’t really be possible anyway because so far the process has been wonderfully smooth and I have no complaints. Hi, NZIS people out there! You guys are doing a fantastic job!) And, bottom line, people don’t read blogs to see how great your life is going. They want to see the pain, the struggle, and the heartache. I don’t have much to say on that front for the following reason…


2) I don’t feel like I have much to say. So much has been happening, but it is all what I call “intermediary” stuff. If is the stuff that happens in the middle of the story, and I don’t know how it will end yet. I don’t like to post a story about me until it is wrapped up in a nice, neat bow… preferably with a happy ending.

But, since I am fresh out of happy endings right now, I will just give a straight reporting account of what has been going on.

**The Key West/ rest of Florida trip was wonderful. Franz and I needed some down time. I think next time, though, we will try to be a little less structured… not planning every little thing down to the last detail. I will give you an example. We had every hotel room we were going to stay at booked every day. We could have allowed for a little more flexibility, I think.

**Buddy had a great time at Franz’s brother’s house while we were away. Unfortunately, though, he switched foods with Pete’s dog, Sasha. He started eating Pedigree, and was pretty allergic to it… even though he obviously enjoyed it. So, he was digging at his paw pads until they bled and he has another ear infection. We are going to the vet today.

**I have been back working at my job. Trying to struggle through the bureaucracy and red tape inherent to this job. I wrote a little poem one day while I was sitting around, not getting any clients referred to me. Here it is:

The Seventh Level of Hell

Here I sit in my borrowed cubicle.
The woman next cube over is playing Mariah Carey’s “Dream Lover”.
God, I wish I could just get out of here.
Earlier she was playing Abba’s “Dancing Queen”.
Jesus.
Twenty minutes more of sitting and twiddling my thumbs in Tigard.

Then I get to go to Beaverton.
Drab, depressing, boring, crappy Beaverton.
And I am booked solid there.
Two clients and a home visit that promises to be
Difficult at best and flat out
Dangerous at worst.
Needing a police escort is never a good thing.

I find myself wondering how I got here.
Was this what I wanted when I got this degree?
To be put in a vise between the State and a soft non-profit?
When did I get so small?
Where did all my strength go?
Why can’t I just be happy with the love of a good man and a beautiful dog?
Why do I always have to want more?

Was this what I was meant to be doing?

The song next to me now is Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry.”
Hold on, hold on.
***************************

* So that’s that. That was how I was feeling that day. It hasn’t changed much. I have good days. I have bad days. I stay tired. And mostly frustrated that I am not doing enough. That the things that I am doing will negatively affect other things that are largely not in my control. There is no way to tell how anything I do might be perceived on a wider basis. The simplest words can be twisted, blown all out of proportion, and- in the end- used to cost me and my agency time, money and willpower. That’s right, I said it. Willpower. Because you can only have so much good will and wish to help people who will eventually stab you in the back in quiet little meetings. Eventually, after it happens enough, you just want to give up and go home.

That’s kind of what I feel like today. But, I can’t give up because I might be able to pull a miracle out of my ass and save the day. I might be able to say or do something that will make the right person remember me fondly when the grant comes up for renewal… and DVRC will continue this work on a funded basis, albeit without me. Because I will be away in NZ. But, if I can just hang in a little bit longer, I might be able to help.

That’s why I am a social worker. Because I am hard headed and I want to help.

* Anyway, news on the health front. I made it to the ripe old age of 31 before I got my first cavity. And then I got two. They are just two little ones, though. But I still need to get fillings. I like my new dentist, though. So, things are good in that respect.

* I still have the sinus infection. It has been a little over a month now. I am on the second round of antibiotics. And I am having a sinus CT tomorrow evening. I have to start using my Neti pot again, and I have all these other prescriptions I am supposed to take. I haven’t started yet, though. I want the CT scan to see whatever it is supposed to see.

* I have to have a colonoscopy, so my new doctor can give me a clean bill of health and certify for NZIS that I no longer have ulcerative colitis in any form. I did have it back in 1998. Thank God I don’t have it now. I still don’t want to do the colonoscopy, though. I hate drinking the stuff that you have to drink to clean yourself out so they can look at your guts.

* We haven’t heard anything new from NZIS. I wish we would soon. I still have to send away my fingerprints to the FBI to get a record from them stating that I am not a criminal for NZIS. And I have to complete other medical tests as well, though none are as grueling as the scope.

* One spot of good news… I lowered my cholesterol over 100 points last year just using diet and exercise. So, yay for me!

That’s all I have right now. I am afraid my thoughts are too fragmented and scattered for much more today. I just want to go home and go to bed.

Love to all,

Sherry

Greetings from Key West!!

Hi everyone!!

We are in Key West right now, and we will be leaving on 01-14-05. I have alot to write about, but this is costing beau coup bucks per minute, so I will keep this brief.

I caught a cold half way through our trip. (So no scuba lessons for me!) Franz was the one who got a rash this time. (Poor baby!) Dinner with Dad wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, although he still wouldn't say if he would walk me down the aisle. (Whatever.) Dinner with Mr Carstenn was FANTASTIC!!! (I love him!!) The Keys are beautiful, if a bit touristy. (I love it here!) We are going snorkeling tomorrow to see some fishies. (Woo Hoo!) The food here is great. Franz ate "the best tuna" he has ever had for lunch today. They have a Fat Tuesdays here that serve the Slurpee versions of alcoholic drinks... I can't imagine much better than that.

We have been having a kick ass time tooling around in our blue Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible.

Franz is ready to leave so I have to get going too. I love you guys and I will write more when I am not on the clock.

Love to all,

Sherry

P.S.- Our Expression of Interest got drawn from the pool.... we are on our way to being Kiwis!!!