The Latest....
I have been getting complaints because I haven’t blogged for so long. Specifically that there is at least one person out there suffering from withdrawal over my lack of blogginess. I guess there are a few reasons for this general decline in my writing:
1) I am feeling stifled. I know that there are a lot more people reading my blog than there were before. Some of them are work people, so I can’t bitch about work. Some of them are family people, so I can’t bitch about family. For all I know, some of them might be NZIS… so I certainly can’t bitch about the immigration process to NZ. (Of course, that wouldn’t really be possible anyway because so far the process has been wonderfully smooth and I have no complaints. Hi, NZIS people out there! You guys are doing a fantastic job!) And, bottom line, people don’t read blogs to see how great your life is going. They want to see the pain, the struggle, and the heartache. I don’t have much to say on that front for the following reason…
2) I don’t feel like I have much to say. So much has been happening, but it is all what I call “intermediary” stuff. If is the stuff that happens in the middle of the story, and I don’t know how it will end yet. I don’t like to post a story about me until it is wrapped up in a nice, neat bow… preferably with a happy ending.
But, since I am fresh out of happy endings right now, I will just give a straight reporting account of what has been going on.
**The Key West/ rest of Florida trip was wonderful. Franz and I needed some down time. I think next time, though, we will try to be a little less structured… not planning every little thing down to the last detail. I will give you an example. We had every hotel room we were going to stay at booked every day. We could have allowed for a little more flexibility, I think.
**Buddy had a great time at Franz’s brother’s house while we were away. Unfortunately, though, he switched foods with Pete’s dog, Sasha. He started eating Pedigree, and was pretty allergic to it… even though he obviously enjoyed it. So, he was digging at his paw pads until they bled and he has another ear infection. We are going to the vet today.
**I have been back working at my job. Trying to struggle through the bureaucracy and red tape inherent to this job. I wrote a little poem one day while I was sitting around, not getting any clients referred to me. Here it is:
The Seventh Level of Hell
Here I sit in my borrowed cubicle.
The woman next cube over is playing Mariah Carey’s “Dream Lover”.
God, I wish I could just get out of here.
Earlier she was playing Abba’s “Dancing Queen”.
Jesus.
Twenty minutes more of sitting and twiddling my thumbs in Tigard.
Then I get to go to Beaverton.
Drab, depressing, boring, crappy Beaverton.
And I am booked solid there.
Two clients and a home visit that promises to be
Difficult at best and flat out
Dangerous at worst.
Needing a police escort is never a good thing.
I find myself wondering how I got here.
Was this what I wanted when I got this degree?
To be put in a vise between the State and a soft non-profit?
When did I get so small?
Where did all my strength go?
Why can’t I just be happy with the love of a good man and a beautiful dog?
Why do I always have to want more?
Was this what I was meant to be doing?
The song next to me now is Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry.”
Hold on, hold on.
***************************
* So that’s that. That was how I was feeling that day. It hasn’t changed much. I have good days. I have bad days. I stay tired. And mostly frustrated that I am not doing enough. That the things that I am doing will negatively affect other things that are largely not in my control. There is no way to tell how anything I do might be perceived on a wider basis. The simplest words can be twisted, blown all out of proportion, and- in the end- used to cost me and my agency time, money and willpower. That’s right, I said it. Willpower. Because you can only have so much good will and wish to help people who will eventually stab you in the back in quiet little meetings. Eventually, after it happens enough, you just want to give up and go home.
That’s kind of what I feel like today. But, I can’t give up because I might be able to pull a miracle out of my ass and save the day. I might be able to say or do something that will make the right person remember me fondly when the grant comes up for renewal… and DVRC will continue this work on a funded basis, albeit without me. Because I will be away in NZ. But, if I can just hang in a little bit longer, I might be able to help.
That’s why I am a social worker. Because I am hard headed and I want to help.
* Anyway, news on the health front. I made it to the ripe old age of 31 before I got my first cavity. And then I got two. They are just two little ones, though. But I still need to get fillings. I like my new dentist, though. So, things are good in that respect.
* I still have the sinus infection. It has been a little over a month now. I am on the second round of antibiotics. And I am having a sinus CT tomorrow evening. I have to start using my Neti pot again, and I have all these other prescriptions I am supposed to take. I haven’t started yet, though. I want the CT scan to see whatever it is supposed to see.
* I have to have a colonoscopy, so my new doctor can give me a clean bill of health and certify for NZIS that I no longer have ulcerative colitis in any form. I did have it back in 1998. Thank God I don’t have it now. I still don’t want to do the colonoscopy, though. I hate drinking the stuff that you have to drink to clean yourself out so they can look at your guts.
* We haven’t heard anything new from NZIS. I wish we would soon. I still have to send away my fingerprints to the FBI to get a record from them stating that I am not a criminal for NZIS. And I have to complete other medical tests as well, though none are as grueling as the scope.
* One spot of good news… I lowered my cholesterol over 100 points last year just using diet and exercise. So, yay for me!
That’s all I have right now. I am afraid my thoughts are too fragmented and scattered for much more today. I just want to go home and go to bed.
Love to all,
Sherry
2 Comments:
Because, actually, you were supposed to be a school teacher. Guess who.
Everybody? Meet Mr. Carstenn.
Mr. Carstenn? This is everybody.
Now that you all have been properly introduced, those who don't know already should probably know that Mr. Carstenn's ambition where I was concerned was not just to teach me the readin' and writin', but also to instill in me the value of being a teacher. (And probably also to get me to calm down with my anal-retentive, type-A personality, overachiever schtick. Which worked, by the way. Well, quite a bit, anyway.)
His goal was achieved in one way. I have more respect and admiration for him and his abilities as a teacher (and as a father and friend) than one man might conceivably have a right to.
But it didn't work in another... I never actually became a teacher. I mean, I teach people about domestic violence every day. But I never taught English. I thought it would probably suck to deal with all the red tape, administration and low pay.
Days like today I wonder if he wasn't right. I still have all those things, but I don't get to see my clients graduate. And I doubt any of them will come looking for me to tell me how great their lives turned out. Maybe I was just too hard headed at the wrong time in my life.
I love you, Mr. Carstenn. I really do. I hope you are enjoying my blog, and I'm still thinking about it. (It would just mean more school, more student loans, more work...) Sigh. I have to get to bed. I'm really tired.
Love to all,
Sherry
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