Mr. Buddlesworth...

Franz has come up with a new name for Buddy. He has been christened Mr. Buddlesworth. He answers to it now like it has been his name all along. He is so funny.

So now Buddy has about 8 or 9 names that he answers to. They are as follows:

Buddy
Bud-Bud
Buddy McB
Mouthy
Little Mouth
Little Man
Baby Boy (or My Boy)
Big Furball
Buddy Andrews (when he is in trouble)
Mr. Buddlesworth

Geez... I just counted and that is 11. Poor dog. He is probably going to end up with canine MPD or something.

Well, there isn't much more to write. I did the CAT scan the other day. I had a bit of a freak out at the beginning, but made it through it in one piece. Franz and I went around looking at engagement rings/wedding sets/wedding bands on Saturday. It was nice, but I had a bit of a freak out over that as well. Why is it that even when you are head over heels in love with someone that an engagement ring on your finger can still feel like a noose around your neck? I have such an incredible distrust of marriage. I love Franz, and I trust him with everything I am... but I am still afraid of marriage. Sick, huh? Poor Franz... I hate jerking him around. How do men live with sentences like, "I love you and I want to marry you, but I am afraid to be married"? I don't know how it will go, but Franz is strong. I hope he is strong enough to take it.

I don't even know what I am afraid of. Mentally, I know he is the one. There is no question about it. I have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about him. Mentally, I know that marriage is the next step. That it is inevitable. I know that I wouldn't feel right about leaving the country without being his wife. And I know without question that if we were never married that I would choose to live with him until my dying day... no matter where he went.

But, emotionally, I feel trapped. I feel like a little animal caught in a cage with its heart beating too fast and its breathing laboring at a breakneck speed. There's no contingency. There is no running away if things get bad. There would only be lawyers, and courts, and acrimony... not to be confused with alimony. Geez... there is a thought. Duking it out with your most loved and cherished one at the law firm of "That's Mine and This Is Yours." How ugly. How unseemly. How horrible.

I couldn't bear that. Of course, I have no reason to believe that a marriage might work. For the simple fact that no relationship I have ever had in the past has worked out. If it had, then I would not be with Franz now. Simple as that. On a long enough time line, I am afraid of what will happen.

But, of course, you can't just live your life in fear. That's why I will marry him. Because the possibilities are worth more than the fear.

I hope.

Love to all,

Sherry