Drugs...

Well, I have had a great deal to think about this last week.

After a tremendous amount of consideration, I have decided to go back on the Wellbutrin.

I have been feeling myself slipping away for a good long while now. Maybe since before the Florida trip, even. Less interested in everything around me. Too much time noticing the only darker side of life. More exhausted each day. Not being able to be happy over things I should be happy about... or feeling that real sense of happiness in only a fleeting way. And only the strongest experiences can even break through to allow that much. Can you imagine just having the idea of trying to shock yourself into being happy? Feeling terribly lonely even when around people I love or otherwise care for.

In short, the depression is returning. It's like falling down into a hole, but only a few inches at a time. One day you just wake up and realize you have been in this particular hole before. (sigh)
I was really hoping not to be here again. But it looks like brain chemistry is just a bitch when it comes to me.

I have so much to look forward to this year. I just want to be able to enjoy it without worrying myself sick over it. I want to feel all the continuum, not just the darker side of the scale.

Is it possible to be relieved to be going back on medication that you are almost convinced you really need, but at the same time be really angry that you need it to begin with? If so, that sums it up.... relieved, angry and sad to be here again. It makes you feel weak. But, then again, I always tell my clients that one of the strongest things you can do is ask for help.

I wonder if they think it is as big a load of crap as I do right now.

Well, it is pretty late. I am very tired. I worked out with my trainer today. I had a bit of an episode. I got pretty dizzy and thought that I might pass out. I told her I just was going to get a drink of water. Didn't want her to overreact and call an ambulance. I can just see trying to explain that to NZIS. "Really, guys... I am a perfectly healthy 31 year old. I just take anti-depressants so I can feel like a normal human being and I almost pass out with physical exertion. And, oh yeah, I can't fight off a sinus infection to save my ass. But, you know, other than that, perfectly healthy."

God, it's all I can do not to cry right now. Just when I think I have come so far. Oh well. I will just continue. What else is there but to keep on fighting? I am too old and have made it too far to let this get to me. I will manage it. I have had happiness too many times to give up on finding it again now.

I am a survivor.

That's all for now. You know what everybody? If you have someone that you love today, be sure and tell them. Because maybe they are sad right now, and just don't want to tell you. And just knowing that you love them might keep them fighting for one more day. And sometimes that is all they need.

Love to all,

Sherry