3 Stitches, 3 Staples, a Hard Case and Early Morning Waking...

Interestingly enough, one of the symptoms of depression is "early morning waking". This basically means that you wake up roughly between the hours of 3:00am and 4:30am, and either can't go back to sleep at all, or only go back to sleep after an hour or more. This is what has been happening with me the last few days. I have gotten 7 hours sleep in the last two days alone. Which is pretty frustrating.

This has been a pretty stressful week. Everyone I love in Oregon has been having surgery this week. Franz got cut on Tuesday. He has three stiches in his back (they removed a cyst), and a little hole on his foot where they froze off a wart. But he is doing well.

Buddy is the more worrisome case, though. The night before last I was rubbing his tummy and I noticed a large, well, "protrusion" I guess is what you would call it, of skin sticking up off of his tummy. It was about half an inch high, maybe about a quarter inch in diameter. Even more distressing, it was right next to his penis. And, as far as I know, it hadn't been there the day before. I rub his tummy all the time, and I never saw it. He had been licking at it, and it was bleeding a little bit. I called the vet right away, but they were closed for the evening. So, I bundled him up in the car the next morning (yesterday) and drove him over there when they opened. I didn't even call first, I wanted to show up and make them take him in. And, to their credit, they did. And I rushed off to work.

I had a VERY busy day yesterday. I saw clients at 8:30, 9:30, 10:30 and 11:30. I finished with my last client at 12:30 and went to lunch. I ran into an old neighbor who gave me what would have been some distressing news, if I were still living out in Banks, OR. But, as it was, it was more of a head-shaking, "yep, I knew it" kind of news. And I realized once again how thankful I am that my life is in such a different place than it was only a year ago.

I went back to work and was confronted with the story of a client who is coming forward to tell someone about the domestic violence that they are suffering with at home... probably for the last time. This client *only* speaks Spanish, and is illegal. The client has reported the abuser to the police four times, and once to hospital workers. So far, nothing has been done to the abuser... at all. The client "came out" to a worker at one of their children's schools. And the worker called me asking, "What do I do?"

My first thought was "Fuck if I know!" It was too late in the day already to get a restraining order, and I would not have been able to arrange it getting served all in the same day even if that were an option. It wasn't safe for the client to go home, so I had to find a shelter. But our shelter is closed for spring cleaning. So, there is only Multnomah County. And that is pretty far from where the client lives, because they don't have a vehicle. So, I arranged with the worker to get the client taken to one of the DHS offices that I am at tomorrow. That way at least the client will have someone in their corner to advocate for them. Problem is, though, that I don't speak Spanish well enough really be of any use. So I asked one of our Spanish speaking workers to meet me there. I hope that one of them will, because I still hadn't gotten an answer at close of business yesterday. My fear, and part of the reason why I am up this early, is that this is the absolute last time this client is going to come forward. If nothing is done to get the abuser out of the client's life this time... well, what reason would anyone have to try again after that? The client has been doing the right thing... and so far no one has been listening.

If we get this wrong today, it could mean the difference between life and death for this person. That's how serious it is. We have got to get this right. I hope I can pull this off. I have been praying about it off and on all night.

Anyway, after all that, I wasted two hours to get information from my ENT doctor that he could have told me over the phone. The CT scan of my sinuses was normal. So, no structural reason why I should keep getting all these sinus infections. Big surprise.

Then I had to deal with the Buddy situation. They tried to aspirate the mass, and get an idea what kind of cells were in it. The doctor said she couldn't figure it out. She consulted with others in the office. They were thinking maybe warts of some kind... all piled up on top of each other. Sort of a Leaning Tower of Warts. I find this to be dubious at best. So, I went ahead and agreed to have them surgically remove it and send it out for biopsy. They said that the chances that it would turn out to be something like cancer were very slim, because he is so young. But still, when it comes to your baby, you don't want to take any chances. I am not even going to bother to put the word baby (above) in quotes. Anyone who knows me knows that I really do regard him as my child.

So, he had the surgery, and Franz and I went to go pick him up about 6pm. The majority of his tummy is shaved, and he has three staples in his wound. We got him an E-collar to wear if he tries to pick at it, but I don't want to put it on him if I don't have to. He hates them and he likes to ram them into loved ones' legs. I swabbed the whole tummy area around the wound with Bitter Apple, which he hates the taste of. So he seems to be leaving it alone for now. I hope it stays that way.

The whole total was a little over $558.00. I don't think I have to say any more than that... it sort of speaks for itself, doesn't it? But I love him, and sometimes love hurts, right? Add that to the $220.00 I spent for daycare the other day and you have the extent of how crazy I am in love with this dog.

So, then I went home, gathered up my taxes and went to H&R Block. Thank God I am getting a refund back. It will cover what I spent on Buddy this week, with some left over to pay down the credit cards. Thank God. It couldn't come at a better time.

Then I got home at about 8:30 and relieved Franz so he could go meet with some of his friends from work. It was originally going to be both of us going, but I had to stay home to watch Buddy and make sure he didn't dig his staples out of his tummy. I folded laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, did dishes, and watched part of the new CSI. I didn't really get to pay very close attention to it... I was too tired and there was too much stuff to do. I finally just sat down and stared at the t.v. for a little while. I was too tired to make myself something to eat, even though I hadn't eaten since 12:30pm. I finally made some instant oatmeal at about 10:30 so I could go to bed without getting woken up by a hungry tummy later.

I finally got to bed around 11:00pm. I don't think I slept really soundly, because subconsciously I was waiting for Buddy to lick his tummy. He got up and moved off his doggie bed at about 3am. I was up and looking at him before I even really woke up all the way. He was looking at me like, "What the hell?? I was hot, so I moved... sheesh, Mom!" Oh well, he'll get over it. It can't be very fun to have someone looking at your privates with a flashlight, though. Poor dog.

Anyway, I have to say a HUGE "thank you" to Franz for washing my work clothes yesterday while I was getting my taxes done. Otherwise, I would have nothing to wear today. And also, "thanks honey" for all the other stuff you did around the house yesterday... it was much appreciated. He is the best boyfriend in the world for a reason, folks. And he's all mine! :)

That's all for now, I am going to try to go back to bed. Only one hour and 45 minutes until it will be time to get up and do it all over again.

Love to all,

Sherry

Drugs...

Well, I have had a great deal to think about this last week.

After a tremendous amount of consideration, I have decided to go back on the Wellbutrin.

I have been feeling myself slipping away for a good long while now. Maybe since before the Florida trip, even. Less interested in everything around me. Too much time noticing the only darker side of life. More exhausted each day. Not being able to be happy over things I should be happy about... or feeling that real sense of happiness in only a fleeting way. And only the strongest experiences can even break through to allow that much. Can you imagine just having the idea of trying to shock yourself into being happy? Feeling terribly lonely even when around people I love or otherwise care for.

In short, the depression is returning. It's like falling down into a hole, but only a few inches at a time. One day you just wake up and realize you have been in this particular hole before. (sigh)
I was really hoping not to be here again. But it looks like brain chemistry is just a bitch when it comes to me.

I have so much to look forward to this year. I just want to be able to enjoy it without worrying myself sick over it. I want to feel all the continuum, not just the darker side of the scale.

Is it possible to be relieved to be going back on medication that you are almost convinced you really need, but at the same time be really angry that you need it to begin with? If so, that sums it up.... relieved, angry and sad to be here again. It makes you feel weak. But, then again, I always tell my clients that one of the strongest things you can do is ask for help.

I wonder if they think it is as big a load of crap as I do right now.

Well, it is pretty late. I am very tired. I worked out with my trainer today. I had a bit of an episode. I got pretty dizzy and thought that I might pass out. I told her I just was going to get a drink of water. Didn't want her to overreact and call an ambulance. I can just see trying to explain that to NZIS. "Really, guys... I am a perfectly healthy 31 year old. I just take anti-depressants so I can feel like a normal human being and I almost pass out with physical exertion. And, oh yeah, I can't fight off a sinus infection to save my ass. But, you know, other than that, perfectly healthy."

God, it's all I can do not to cry right now. Just when I think I have come so far. Oh well. I will just continue. What else is there but to keep on fighting? I am too old and have made it too far to let this get to me. I will manage it. I have had happiness too many times to give up on finding it again now.

I am a survivor.

That's all for now. You know what everybody? If you have someone that you love today, be sure and tell them. Because maybe they are sad right now, and just don't want to tell you. And just knowing that you love them might keep them fighting for one more day. And sometimes that is all they need.

Love to all,

Sherry