Sun broken days....and rants galore!

(WARNING: I am in a singularly bad mood at the moment so this post is just absolutely peppered with profanity- ah, alliteration, my English professor would be so proud!- You have been warned.)

So, I have made a few decisions in the last few days. The most important of which is that I am quitting the damn Wellbutrin XL completely. I am down to the last part of the weaning protocol... one day on, two days off. I have gone through a week of this roller coaster ride and I have had enough. I would rather take the consequences of quitting early than finish the last week.

In case you were wondering, this is how the roller coaster ride goes... you take the pill, you get angry all freakin day for no good reason. The next day you feel mentally and emotionally wiped out. And the third day you feel okay for the most part, but you are craving your next "fix". You get grumpy and short with people who love you. You doubt everything you ever thought of as being true. Everything takes too long, and you hate the whole wide world for not being faster, smarter and better than it is. And, oh yeah, you can't freakin' sleep at night to save your ass. And there is also some interesting swiss-cheesey-ness to your short term memory that is fun when you are trying to remember things like how old your boyfriend is, etc. Yep, in short, it sucks.

I have had enough. I hate the people at GlaxoSmithKline... I can say that because I am having a drug-craving day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a day when I just feel okay and like myself for the majority of the day. I felt like a lump on a log all day today. I can't keep a train of thought longer than a minute, and it takes forever to do things that require any amount of concentration. Everything is pissing me off and I feel close to tears over stupid things. Like what, you say? Well, glad you asked...

1) Dan Rather was forced to apologize on air for publishing the papers regarding the fact that "W" was a hopeless slackass in the Air National Guard. Now they are thinking that the papers can't be authenticated, and it appears that the man who gave them to them was a longtime military man who has an ax to grind with the government. First off, tell me one longterm veteran who DOESN'T have an ax to grind with the government that very often seeks to turn its back on those who gave their best years to serve it. Secondly, authenticate the damn papers before you apologize!! Do the freakin research, because even if you find out later that they ARE authentic, no one will believe you. Geez!! I CAN'T be the only person in the world who thinks "W" was, is and will always be an ass. Why is it so difficult for the so-called liberal media to get anything on his sorry self? It's not like he is really trying hard to hide the fact that he is an alcoholic, entitled, right wing conservative, hopelessly small-minded and smug sonovabitch slackass!!! DAMMIT!!!

2) I am truly afraid that the aforementioned SOB is going to be re-elected. Inflated poll numbers are being accepted as true out there in the world today. And if people are buying into this crap then they might just not turn out on polling day, believing that they won't be able to change anything. I can already sense a bit of disenchantment amongst the DNC panhandlers on the street... "(sigh) Are you registered to vote? (sniffle)" God damn it, you beautiful sad bastards, don't give up yet!! And, for Christ's sake, if you like this blog, if you ever had any feeling for me as a person, vote for John Kerry in November. And if you are planning on voting for Bush- who the hell let you in?!?! Why are you reading this!?!? We don't like your kind here!! Go away!! (Or else.)

3) Depression causes you to doubt all sorts of things, and makes you remember things you would rather forget. So, sometimes I doubt the people who love me really do, in fact, love me. Consequently, I mistrust that love and push people away. Or worse, try to test their love by being a terrible pain in the butt. My instinct when I am hurting is just to be alone. I will heal myself, don't need anybody else, thank you very much. I drag out every bad thing I have ever thought about any relationship I have ever had and throw it under an electron microscope. (And you can see ALOT under one of those things.) So, for the people that love me and who I have been unnaturally rough on these last few weeks- you know who you are- hang in there. I know I'm a pain in the ass... just can't help it right now. Hopefully when all this is over, your persistance in loving me will be rewarded. God, I hope so. (hint- it won't be rewarded monetarily unless I win the lottery, so don't get your hopes up. I was thinking along the lines of some sort of spiritual reward- which is both cheaper and more expensive at the same time.)

4) Something else that is pissing me off? Feeling weak. I feel weak all the time now. Not strong enough to kick this drug, find a job, take care of Buddy, make everyone around me happy and love everyone fully without fear of eventual, but ineveitable, rejection.

5) Fox cancelled "Firefly". It's an old lament, but it is there nonetheless. There are NO, count 'em NO, Joss Whedon shows on television right now. And the world is just a little bit darker for it. And, they didn't even replace any of his shows with something good. There is NOTHING on television, people!! Why do you think I am in here blowing an hour (or more) writing this?!?!

Okay, well, I think that is all for now. God, I wish I had something else to talk about that didn't involve self-loathing, pharmaceuticals or politics. Topics anyone? Will write for the price of a kind comment with a thoughful topic....

Love to all,

Sherry